Of Feathers and What NOT to Do With Them
by Mystitat
Summary: Cats Fic oneshot Etcetera just wanted the Rum Tum Tugger to like her again! Who knew that sneaking into Mistoffelees' lair could be so disastrous and funny?


Etcetera's Lesson in Magic

By Mystitat

* * *

The haiku that started this whole crazy thing:

_Etcy's notes to self:  
Tugger does not like feathers.  
Don't read Misto's books._

* * *

All was quiet as she crept ever closer to her goal. No one was around, she'd made sure of that. She had waited until about three in the afternoon, when it was so hot that everyone would be napping. No one could know what she was about to do, because if they did, it would mean the end of her quest. And it was a remarkable quest. No one had ever attempted the feat Etcetera was about to try to pull off.

She was going to sneak into Mistoffelees' lair.

Now, there's actually a very good reason that no one (other than honored guests) had tried to enter the pipe that Mistoffelees made his home in. Mistoffelees had threatened very, uh, _unusual_ things to whomever tried to get in and take his stuff, or even touch it. Etcetera thought he was being a little possessive. If Misto had stuff in there that was all that great, he should be sharing it with the rest of the tribe!

But she was counting on the hope that he had great stuff in there. _Magical_ stuff. Because what she needed right then was magic. The Rum Tum Tugger (or, "My Tuggy!" as Etcetera called him) had seemed to lose interest in her lately, and she couldn't imagine why. She had tried clinging to him constantly to try to find the reason, but somehow, he just didn't want to be with her.

Well, she would fix that.

Etcetera finally arrived at her destination. The mouth of the pipe. Come to think of it, she had never been this close before, and now she marveled at the size of it. To a cat, it qualified as a sizable tunnel. Taking courage in paw, she crept inside.

The inside seemed even bigger than the outside. While she waited for her eyes to adjust, Etcetera thought about what exactly she was looking for. She hadn't really given it much thought before now. She had just assumed that Mistoffelees would have something that would work for her. Now, as she realized how much stuff was actually in here, she gulped. It might take a little while to find something that would work.

The entire tunnel was lined with shelves which held everything from books to glassware to cauldrons. (Etcetera decided then that Mistoffelees must have been a witches' cat at some time in his life.) Going to the first shelf, she scanned the titles, then pulled down a small leather-bound volume called _Prestidigitation_. She had no idea what that meant; it just sounded cool! But suddenly she froze. A sound made itself heard in the end of the pipe. Someone was in here with her! She held her breath and listened with all her might for what had made the noise. Oh, man! It was probably Mistoffelees himself! If he saw her in here...well, she didn't want to think about what he might do to her.

Book in tow, she decided to venture back farther into the tunnel to see what had made the noise. There! She heard it again! It was a combination of an exhalation and a small thump. What the heck would make that noise? Peering further down into the tunnel, her question was soon answered.

Mistoffelees was there after all, but luckily he was sound asleep. However, it was apparent that his power wasn't quite in control while he slept. Whenever he breathed, something weird would happen; within a minute, Etcetera saw him exhale glitter, sneeze lightning, hover a few feet in the air over his bed, and then fall (creating the thumping sound). Man, this was hilarious! Just wait until Victoria heard why Mistoffelees would never stay the night in her box! He didn't want her to see what happened to him in his sleep!

But that would have to wait. Tugger came first.

Resisting the urge to giggle, Etcetera backed slowly out of the pipe, still holding the book. She figured it would have to do. She didn't want to stick around any longer and risk Mistoffelees waking up, and all the books he would have had to have magic stuff in them, right? Right. As soon as she felt she was far enough away from the sleeping tom, Etcetera turned around and high-tailed it out of there!

Safe and sound back in her own little broken-down clothes dryer, Etcetera paged through the book she had stolen, er, borrowed. She couldn't read most of the words, but a lot of the spells had pictures, so she could get the idea, more or less. One spell had a picture of a human man and a box. In the next picture, there was a human woman and a box! _What a strange spell_, Etcetera thought to herself. _But it couldn't possibly help my Tuggy-Wuggy if it has anything to do with a box. He'll just want out._

Still flipping through, she sighed. This was going to be _much_ harder than she thought. She was about to give up when she paused over a particular page. A-hah! Just the thing she was looking for. The spell had a picture of two doves rubbing their heads together, and the title said, "Love Birds." She had a little trouble reading the words underneath, but she almost screamed when she read, "Just say, 'Avanarium,' and your love bird will be complete."

Quick as a wink Etcetera raced off to find her Tuggy-Wuggy and try out her new spell!

Tuggy-Wuggy, excuse me, the Rum Tum Tugger was at the moment enjoying a particularly peaceful cat nap in his old arm-chair. In his dreams he was asking out all of the queens in the world, and every one of them had said yes. He was enjoying his date with the entire eligible queen population of the world when Etcetera rushed over. She saw that he was asleep, but she didn't really care. Oh, this was going to be so good!

Taking a deep breath, she was about to yell out the spell, when she realized she had forgotten it already. Oops. That didn't help, did it. Darn, what was that silly spell name again? When she thought she had it this time, she screamed, "Avacadabra!" Thrilled that she had remembered it, she jumped onto Tugger and gave him a big hug to celebrate. However, where she should have felt fur, I'll give you one guess to what she did feel! Stunned, Etcetera backed off, slowly, her eyes as big as saucers.

"Ugh, Etcetera, what are you doing here so early?" Tugger said groggily as he awoke from his cat nap. "I thought I told you to-" he began, but he stopped when he noticed the expression on her face. It was an odd cross between amusement and horror. He sat up and was about to ask, "What is it?" But as he sat up, an odd rustling stopped him. Suddenly, he realized why Etcetera was staring so.

Holy #$&!!!

From his ears to the tip of his tail, the Rum Tum Tugger was covered in feathers! He still had the same coloring patterns, only they were in feathers instead of fur!

_Whoa, _Etcetera thought to herself. _What did I just do? That wasn't a love spell! It was a feather spell! _She glanced at him again. _But you know what? I kinda like him better this way!_

"ETCETERA, WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO ME?" the Rum Tum Tugger demanded. He ran a paw down his arm to get the full effect of the feathers.

She giggled and crawled into his arms. "I made you all feathery! Do ya like it?" she asked under heavy eyelashes.

"NO!"

"Oh." She pouted prettily. "I only did it so you would look better. Ya know, queens really like feathers. They're really quite attractive on you."

Tugger yelped and got out from under Etcetera. He climbed to the top of the high-backed armchair, leaving the poor kitten on the seat. "I don't care what queens like! I HATE feathers!" (Unknown to Etcetera, Tugger's hate of feathers dated back to when he was a kitten living in a human house. The little girl of the family was only three, and whenever she found a feather of any kind, she would run to the little kitten and tease him with it. However, the Tiny Tum Tugger was never very playful with her, so these episodes always ended up with the toddler getting angry and taking out her anger on Tugger's tail. Now, he shivered at the very memory of a feather.) "I don't care what it takes; you have to get these stupid feathers off me!"

"Oh, fine..." Etcetera started. She really didn't want to take the feathers off. However, as the president and a sworn member of the Tuggy-Wuggy fan club she was obligated to do whatever her Tuggy Wuggy commanded. But then she had a surprisingly brilliant thought! "Actually, Tuggy, I don't know how!" It was, after all, the truth, considering she didn't exactly know what she did in the first place.

Tugger sighed and climbed down off of the chair. "Fine," he said. "Who does?"

Darn loophole. Oh well, she had to answer. "I s'pose Misto might know."

"Good. Let's go find Misto." And with that, he dragged her off in the general direction of Misto's infamous pipe. _I just hope no one sees me! _he thought to no one but himself.

When they arrived at the pipe, rather than going in, Tugger called out, "Misto? Are you in there? I _really _need a favor!"

A rather groggy Mistoffelees trudged out. "What is it? I was napping," he said. But as soon as his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw the problem for himself, and promptly burst out laughing. "Oh my gosh! Tugger, what happened?" he cackled. "You're covered with feathers!"

"No duh, tuxedo butt," the maned, er, feathered cat retorted. "Can you just get them off?" The feathers were really starting to irk him, and were even starting to itch.

"Aww, that's no way to talk to me if you want a favor!" Misto replied, still giggling. "But yah, I think I can get them off. I just have to know how they got on there in the first place."

Mistoffelees had not yet realized that the feathers were, in fact, attached to Tugger, exactly as they would be on a bird. Etcetera, who had been nervously quiet until now (she didn't want Misto to know she had been in there!), piped up. "I did it," she squeaked.

Mistoffelees was examining the Tugger's arm, still giggling. "Wow, Etcy," he said. "You did a really good job gluing them on here. And where'd you find them all?"

Grimacing, she said, "Actually, I didn't find them. It was kind of... um ... magic."

"Hmm?" Mistoffelees snickered distractedly (the idea of the Feathered Tum Tugger was still extremely amusing to him).

"Magic."

"WHAT?" Mistoffelees cried. All glimmer of amusement was gone now. He swallowed a couple times, trying to recapture speech. When he finally found it, he said: "And how, (gulp) pray tell, did you do (gulp), _magic_?"

This was just getting worse and worse for Etcetera. "From a book," she squeaked again.

Misto saw where this was going, and asked "It wasn't one of _my _books, was it?"

"Maybe," she said, and cringed.

"Ooooh..." the (genuinely) magical cat drawled. He looked really vexed now. Turning to Tugger, he said "Good news for you. I _can_ get them off." And with a wave of his paw, Tugger was back to his normal furry-cat self. He sank with relief, then went to go find his armchair and finish his nap.

"Bad news for you, Etcetera," he said, turning to her as soon as Tugger was gone. "You know you're not supposed to come in here." Etcetera nodded frantically, still cringing. Mistoffelees was coming towards her, raising his arms in preparation to cast a spell. But then she remembered the ace up her sleeve!

"Mistoffelees, you wouldn't want Victoria to find out what happens when you sleep, would you?"

Hearing that, Misto stopped right where was and froze. Now their positions were reversed. Etcetera was in control. "You saw that?" Mistoffelees muttered.

"Yep!" (Etcetera was so proud of herself for remembering.) "And if you don't want her to find out, you better not do anything to me!"

Mistoffelees stared at her in shock. Here was this little kitten, ordering _him_ around! Then again, she did have some powerful dirt on him. Maybe he had better listen... "All right, Etcetera, you win this round," he said, defeated. "But if I ever catch you in my place again, you're not going to be _able_ to tell Victoria anything, let alone how I sleep!" (Mistoffelees wasn't quite sure how he'd pull that off, but he'd think of something.)

Etcetera grinned from ear to ear and ran off into the junkyard before Mistoffelees could change his mind.

* * *

A/N: Be sure to tell me what you think! And perhaps tell me if anyone would like to see a story with all of my CATS haikus; I've got quite a collection now... :-) 


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